[Extract: Chapter 1]:
To this day she still cannot comprehend how a small and innocent child could be sexually abused and violated, in the family home and not one member of her immediate family ever purported to know or even be aware that something was terribly wrong. Not a hint of suspicion on their part seemed apparent. Fear, shock, disbelief and verbal threats had kept the child quiet and suffering in horrendous silence. Fear, shock, shame, anger and a fundamental lack of trust towards people, had kept the child, now an adult, quiet. Years of hidden turmoil and suppressed suffering would ultimately culminate in years of anguish and several attempts at suicide, the first serious attempt being at the tender age of twelve years of age. She had survived by convincing herself that her role in life had been to protect her siblings and to some extent, her mother. As horrendous and painful as it was, she had to keep telling herself that her life had some definitive meaning. When the memories refused to fade or go away and the associated pains of those memories forced all the nightmarish flashbacks to the surface, it had only served to enforce her determination to seek eternal peace in order to rid her mind of those nauseating and frightening times. She had so wanted the freedom to be released from all of the pains: to feel normal and untainted: to feel untouched and clean.
Where I am in this precise moment of my life is where I am meant to be. To wish that I was there or elsewhere, metaphorically speaking, is irrelevant.
I am precisely where I am meant to be and in realising this came as a profound ‘light-bulb’ moment in my life: in hindsight it helped me in many ways to just put one foot in front of the other in order to heal and to move forwards.
Empowerment has been one of the keys to surviving, learning and healing.
I felt liberated when it suddenly dawned on me that in spite of or despite of everything, I was and still am here. I am here in the moment. To wish for another moment is to waste and invalidate this precious moment in life.